Live Sound • Sep 2014 • Page 72

BACKPAGE Career Calling Are you qualified to be an audio engineer? by Ken DeLoria�� TAKE THIS SIMPLE TEST. Care-fully compiled from decades of experience and using the latest auto-psycho-algorithms, it will provide guid-ance in your career choice. 1. Do you show up on time? Yes. Go to question 2. No. Try getting one of those “work from home” jobs where you make $5,000 a week stuffing envelopes. Good luck! 2. Do you like to work with a wide range of personality types? Yes. Go to question 3. No. Pursue a career in broadcast, where you can stay in the broadcast truck all day and night. 3. Do you like music? Yes. Go to question 4. No. Get a gig with Justin Bieber. Or become a truck driver. They usually sleep during the show. 4. Does the thought of letting down 60,000 fans because you didn’t plan the sound system properly disturb you? Yes. Become a surgeon. No. Become a politician. Maybe. Most of the fans will still get good sound, right? 72 Live Sound International September 2014 5. Is life on the road attractive to you? Yes. Get that tool kit and gig bag together! No. Seek work in theatre, broadcast, stu-dios, clubs, or other fixed locations. Alternatively, practice saying this phrase: “Would you like fries with that?” 6. Do you like using microphones? Yes. Consider a career in aviation. No. Buy a few anyway. The mic compa-nies need you, and shiny mics can look quite fetching in a display case. 7. Can you function optimally after 48 hours without sleep? Yes. You’re hired. Can you get a commer-cial driver’s license too, please? No. Consider a career as a mattress tester. 8. Do you like Marriott and Hilton hotels? Yes. Consider a job in the hospitality industry. No. Good. Do you like Holiday Inn? Yes. Consider working as a night auditor. No. Good. Do you like Motel 6? Yes. You’re hired. 9. Do you prefer analog or digital consoles? Analog. Don’t call us, we’ll call you. Digital. Don’t call us, we’ll call you. Whatever you have in stock. Good. You’re hired. 10. How will you feel when a tour man-ager/artist/promoter tells you’re lousy at your job? I’d feel bad. Look for an easier gig like parole officer or personal assistant to Leona Helmsley. I couldn’t care less. You’re a natural, kid! Welcome aboard. If you answered “Yes” or “No” to more than any five questions, you’re ready to enter the lucrative world of professional audio. n KEN DELORIA has mixed innumer-able shows and tuned hundreds of sound systems with an emphasis on taming difficult acoustical environments, and as the founder of Apogee Sound, devel-oped the TEC Award-winning AE-9 loudspeaker. www.ProSoundWeb.com